She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
