I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
It's never too late to be topless.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
