I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Randomize
