mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
