My balls are so social today.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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