While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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