We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
