I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
