i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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