Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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