ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
