we have pet lesbian snakes
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Pi�atas plus fireworks don't mix well
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
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