loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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