If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
do nipples grow back?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
