I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
