Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
