Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
