The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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