if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Randomize
