How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
