i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Randomize
