we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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