So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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