I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Randomize
