this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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