the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
