Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
