Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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