he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
