the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
