as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
There's always time for handjobs
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I think I just sharted jello shots
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
