I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
