it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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