dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
