she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
