I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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