you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Randomize
