so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
