I am in a vortex of obligation.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Randomize
