So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
