And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
