So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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