Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
