I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
