make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
