I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
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