watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Randomize
