OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
