You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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