I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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