mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Randomize
